1. Divvy bikes scare me...
I used to ride bikes when I was a kid, but it has been quite a while since I put my butt on any seat smaller than the 5 inches of bus seat I get when I come across some serious man-spreading. I watch people ride without effort and it looks...like fun. I fear not keeping up and the very public nature of riding a bike. When the snow melts and the weather is less than frigid, I will ride a bike again!
2. Weight-loss = Identity loss
Being plus-size has been part of my identity for longer than I can remember. Part of me is worried that if I lose the weight...I'll lose part of myself as well. This week I found out that I sized out of Lane Bryant, a store that has been an integral part of my wardrobe since I was in middle school. I left there considering my plus-size persona and I worry that I will be seen as a traitor to my plus-size sisters.
I remember being with another plus-size friend and seeing a magazine cover of Jennifer Hudson after she lost a great deal of weight. My friend was upset at a plus-size icon crossing over to the "dark side". This friend has since then been working on her own healthy journey and is a great support to me as well. :)
This journey has made me question, "who am I now?" and the truth is...I'm still me. I'm still Elyssa. That is never going to change, no matter what size I am. My size does not define my identity, I get to define it.
3.Shopping?
After finding out that one of my staple stores did not sell my size because I was too small, I was thrilled and then I thought...ummm...where do I go now? I have been shopping at the same stores since I was 13, so where do I go now? I don't have to dive to the bottom of pile anymore or the back of the rack to find my XL or XXL. I bought two medium shirts this week...MEDIUM! I feel like I'm entering a new and strange world. I can guarantee that I will not feel comfortable for a while in some of the new stores that I will be entering. It will feel like enemy territory where only the hats and jewelry fit. But I will try it. I will learn to love new styles and new stores, but one thing won't change...I won't buy items full price.
4. FOOD.
I love food. Seriously. I love food. It's a relationship that I'm not willing to give up. Food has always been there for me and sometimes I've relied on it too much. Food has been my comfort and my reward. I'm afraid to change this, but I think it is time for me to utilize healthier methods in response to my emotions. When my emotions would dip into sadness or joy, I would want to cope or celebrate with food. So I've decided to have a serious chat with food...
"Food, I'm not breaking up with you but I'm not letting you be the only answer to great joy or great sadness in my life. You will no longer be my best friend or crutch. Thank you for being there when I thought I needed you, but I will find something other than melted cheese or chocolate to quell my despair and when I celebrate...there may be no chair for you. I want to create a healthier relationship with you where I can have a few bits and not need to finish my plate because you are sitting there. I want you to help me on this journey as a friend who is there when I ask. I love being creative with you and I will continue to do so. Food, I'm not breaking up with you...I just want to have a less emotionally fueled relationship and I think we can do that."
5. But what if I Fail
I am terrified of failure, but more than that I am scared of disappointing those closest to me. But I need to be honest with myself because the truth is that I'm going to fail sometimes. It is going to happen. I'm going to waver in my weight on the scale or not work out for a while. Last week I started using free weights and I felt like a huge failure. My form felt awkward and I kept thinking that the buff men around me were wondering what the fat girl was doing on this side of the gym. I was uncomfortable and I almost started crying. But I took a deep breath, got a pep talk from Derek, and persevered with the rest of my workout. I could have stopped right there and truth be told at moments like this in my life, I have stopped due to fear. But I am not going to let fear stop me anymore. I have been scared to start because I was afraid of failure. Not this time.
7. Freddie...I don't want that pressure pushing down on me either
One of the reasons I've stayed away from weight loss is because I've worried about the pressure to succeed. I've lived with the pressure to achieve from a very young age and a lot of it has stemmed from...myself. I put pressure on myself to "be" something, be the best or be perfect. But what if I look in the mirror and instead of pressuring myself....I simply support myself?
8. You're so Vain
I have a fear that I will become incredibly vain and instead of recognizing what I am doing...I will simply think that it's not enough. I'm afraid that my vanity will rear it's ugly head and humility will feel like a mile away. Vanity is part of this and I will not deny that. My health is #1 in this life change, but I like fitting into my clothes in a new way. I like the way I look...no I love the way I look.
9. Zombies...it could happen
I do not want to be collateral damage. I want to be able to run away...quickly.
10. Integrity
Throughout this whole process I want to remain true to who I am and why I am doing this.
I am changing my lifestyle to create a space for my health to take priority. This is what I am trying to do with this challenge. I am #runningwithoutmyglasses because I don't really know where I'm going. I can see enough so I don't run in to a tree, but I don't know what the details look like because I've never been here before. I don't know what this challenge will bring, but I'm so happy to be starting it in the first place.
I'm #runningwithoutmyglasses and I'm ready for the next mile.
2. Weight-loss = Identity loss
Being plus-size has been part of my identity for longer than I can remember. Part of me is worried that if I lose the weight...I'll lose part of myself as well. This week I found out that I sized out of Lane Bryant, a store that has been an integral part of my wardrobe since I was in middle school. I left there considering my plus-size persona and I worry that I will be seen as a traitor to my plus-size sisters.
I remember being with another plus-size friend and seeing a magazine cover of Jennifer Hudson after she lost a great deal of weight. My friend was upset at a plus-size icon crossing over to the "dark side". This friend has since then been working on her own healthy journey and is a great support to me as well. :)
This journey has made me question, "who am I now?" and the truth is...I'm still me. I'm still Elyssa. That is never going to change, no matter what size I am. My size does not define my identity, I get to define it.
3.Shopping?
After finding out that one of my staple stores did not sell my size because I was too small, I was thrilled and then I thought...ummm...where do I go now? I have been shopping at the same stores since I was 13, so where do I go now? I don't have to dive to the bottom of pile anymore or the back of the rack to find my XL or XXL. I bought two medium shirts this week...MEDIUM! I feel like I'm entering a new and strange world. I can guarantee that I will not feel comfortable for a while in some of the new stores that I will be entering. It will feel like enemy territory where only the hats and jewelry fit. But I will try it. I will learn to love new styles and new stores, but one thing won't change...I won't buy items full price. 4. FOOD.
I love food. Seriously. I love food. It's a relationship that I'm not willing to give up. Food has always been there for me and sometimes I've relied on it too much. Food has been my comfort and my reward. I'm afraid to change this, but I think it is time for me to utilize healthier methods in response to my emotions. When my emotions would dip into sadness or joy, I would want to cope or celebrate with food. So I've decided to have a serious chat with food...
"Food, I'm not breaking up with you but I'm not letting you be the only answer to great joy or great sadness in my life. You will no longer be my best friend or crutch. Thank you for being there when I thought I needed you, but I will find something other than melted cheese or chocolate to quell my despair and when I celebrate...there may be no chair for you. I want to create a healthier relationship with you where I can have a few bits and not need to finish my plate because you are sitting there. I want you to help me on this journey as a friend who is there when I ask. I love being creative with you and I will continue to do so. Food, I'm not breaking up with you...I just want to have a less emotionally fueled relationship and I think we can do that."
5. But what if I Fail
I am terrified of failure, but more than that I am scared of disappointing those closest to me. But I need to be honest with myself because the truth is that I'm going to fail sometimes. It is going to happen. I'm going to waver in my weight on the scale or not work out for a while. Last week I started using free weights and I felt like a huge failure. My form felt awkward and I kept thinking that the buff men around me were wondering what the fat girl was doing on this side of the gym. I was uncomfortable and I almost started crying. But I took a deep breath, got a pep talk from Derek, and persevered with the rest of my workout. I could have stopped right there and truth be told at moments like this in my life, I have stopped due to fear. But I am not going to let fear stop me anymore. I have been scared to start because I was afraid of failure. Not this time.
6. My Future
I think about a future that I want and it's filled with a big family. I don't want my weight to be a danger to a future pregnancy or lead to other health problems. I want to keep up with my kids, but more than that I want to be an example. You know, sometimes I feel like an old lady when I play canasta or go to bed before 9:30, but I want to actually be an old lady with lots of family surrounding me and nothing holding me back.
7. Freddie...I don't want that pressure pushing down on me either
One of the reasons I've stayed away from weight loss is because I've worried about the pressure to succeed. I've lived with the pressure to achieve from a very young age and a lot of it has stemmed from...myself. I put pressure on myself to "be" something, be the best or be perfect. But what if I look in the mirror and instead of pressuring myself....I simply support myself?8. You're so Vain
I have a fear that I will become incredibly vain and instead of recognizing what I am doing...I will simply think that it's not enough. I'm afraid that my vanity will rear it's ugly head and humility will feel like a mile away. Vanity is part of this and I will not deny that. My health is #1 in this life change, but I like fitting into my clothes in a new way. I like the way I look...no I love the way I look.
9. Zombies...it could happen
I do not want to be collateral damage. I want to be able to run away...quickly.
10. Integrity
Throughout this whole process I want to remain true to who I am and why I am doing this.
I am changing my lifestyle to create a space for my health to take priority. This is what I am trying to do with this challenge. I am #runningwithoutmyglasses because I don't really know where I'm going. I can see enough so I don't run in to a tree, but I don't know what the details look like because I've never been here before. I don't know what this challenge will bring, but I'm so happy to be starting it in the first place.
I'm #runningwithoutmyglasses and I'm ready for the next mile.
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| If you want to read and see more pictures from this journey #runningwihtoutmyglasses, follow me on Instagram at esalinas13. |
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ReplyDeleteI have to say I think your comments about Identity are really compelling. And I am really proud of you for remembering that you will still be you no matter your looks! It is not unlike when you cut your hair short a few years ago! I felt similarly strange about allowing my red hair to go back to its natural blonde, like I was losing part of myself.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when it comes to vanity, just keep Aristotle in mind. There are extremes like vanity or self-hatred, but healthy pride falls somewhere in the middle as a virtue. Keep feeling good about yourself!
I have to say I think your comments about Identity are really compelling. And I am really proud of you for remembering that you will still be you no matter your looks! It is not unlike when you cut your hair short a few years ago! I felt similarly strange about allowing my red hair to go back to its natural blonde, like I was losing part of myself.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when it comes to vanity, just keep Aristotle in mind. There are extremes like vanity or self-hatred, but healthy pride falls somewhere in the middle as a virtue. Keep feeling good about yourself!