“The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.”
― Virginia Woolf
When I first read this quote I found it all too true for me. I have always been a person who likes to observe life and the people around me and I have even dubbed myself a "people watcher." I sit in crowded places like coffee shops, airports or on public transportation during my commute and I find myself fascinated by the clothing people wear, the way they occupy themselves and their interactions with those around them. Yet what I have started to question is whether I am watching others to understand them or to see if they are curious about me?
For so many of us there is always this question of validation and we look for it in others around us, even those we have never met. The best complement is the one from a stranger, someone who has absolutely no reason to tell you that your skirt is cute or your necklace is gorgeous. There is no relationship to keep alive or cushion with complements; a simple admiration for what you have draped yourself in that goes no deeper than the stitching of your shirt. I have found this especially true for women who seem to me to be more apt to speak to strangers about the beauty they see in front of them, I am included in this category. I am that crazy woman who talks to people on the train or bus, in the coffee shop or airport and starts a conversation by complementing earrings, tattoos, shoes...anything really. The question is why do I do this?
I have thought in the past that I like to complement others because I was curious where they found their outer adornments; a work of reconnaissance to aid in my own style. Then I thought more and considered maybe I am the Good Samaritan of style, helping others feel good about their morning choices and nursing their self-confidence through a nice comment or two. Although these are sincere thoughts to why I complement others, the truth resides in my own desire to be desired. There is a reciprocity that I hope for as much as I hate to admit it; a sick curiosity and selfish thought that if I notice what they clothe themselves in, will they take notice of me?
When we look in the mirror before we leave for the day is it to see how we look or to see how others will see us? Changing an outfit over and over again because it is not what we want to wear or because we want to change the person who people will see when we walk out the door? I find that when I get ready to walk out the door I wonder what others will think of me and what they perceive from what I present in my appearance. I find that my mirror is not about what I see but wondering what others will see. I don't say to myself, "This dress makes me look fat", instead I wonder, "Will the people I cross paths with think that I look fat in this dress?" I worry that if I don't take friends with me when I buy clothing that I will make a wrong decision and so I try to see how I look through their eyes.
This is not easy to admit, but for me I have found after the ending of my relationship I have had a much harder time in being satisfied in my appearance. I believe that part of this uneasy nature is because for so long I had a pair of eyes that always saw me as beautiful with no question and never asking for change. Just a pure satisfaction in me. Now as a single woman I am trying to make my mirror in the morning about me and how I see myself, not how I wonder what others will think of me. Although this will be a difficult journey it is one I want to begin.
I do not want to find the best view of myself in anyone's eyes but my own.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I'm Going to Need Another Cup...
Dearest,
Well, its the first full week back and already my reading and ambitions for the semester are piling up. I feel as though when I am in one of my classes I have tunnel vision and I think of all the possibilities for a project or my readings as if it was my only class. Then I leave the room and someone jolts me back to reality where I am not spending my time with one class...but with 5! Here is a break down of my classes and what I found out in the first week:
Pastoral Care - Taught by my advisor and already in the first class we dove into a "what would you do?" situation as a class. It was very intense, but I'm hoping that my instincts will help me out in this class. One of the books I am reading for the class is "Evensong" by Gail Godwin, it is about a young woman in ministry and already I'm interested in what the book has to say for me.
Old Testament - I've have already told you how much I enjoy this subject and especially the way that I'm learning it. The visual aspects along with the text and my favorite word, CONTEXT! This semester we have made a running start with Job, a fascinating book that captures me when I read it.
Lutheran Confessions - Here is where my copy of The Book of Concord will become completely annotated, already my orange highlighter is everywhere, there are notes in the margins and already I am beginning a color-coded tab system...surprised? I didn't think so. Reading in that book is truly opening my eyes and I am looking forward to the intricacies that come forth in the reading.
Liturgy - Well, the class began with singing a Kyrie in Portuguese and ended with dancing....everything in between was full of excitement and passion. I have always been a little scared of liturgy and I think this class will help me break down those walls. Also the culminating project which I will fill you in on as the semester moves on begins with visiting and talking to a group of people who are marginalized by society. I have already started looking into visiting a woman's shelter in Center City and I'm jazzed for this project.
Hebrew Readings - Here is where my remedial Hebrew skills will be enhanced and I will actually learn how to utilize the language in my ministry. The class will be translating the entire book of Ruth....I'm nervous but excited to dig into the text and create my own translation.
Well here are my classes and I will be updating you more as the semester goes on them, but outside of class I am trying to get more involved with the chapel starting this week with leading Holden Evening Prayer on Tuesday night. I'm nervous, but ready to get into the music. Also I have signed up for an Adult Shakespeare class at a local theatre! I'm ready to speak the speech once again and live in the beautiful poetry and prose that will never be far from my life.
I must go now and get to work, but I look forward to catching up next week.
Talk to you soon,
E.
Well, its the first full week back and already my reading and ambitions for the semester are piling up. I feel as though when I am in one of my classes I have tunnel vision and I think of all the possibilities for a project or my readings as if it was my only class. Then I leave the room and someone jolts me back to reality where I am not spending my time with one class...but with 5! Here is a break down of my classes and what I found out in the first week:
Pastoral Care - Taught by my advisor and already in the first class we dove into a "what would you do?" situation as a class. It was very intense, but I'm hoping that my instincts will help me out in this class. One of the books I am reading for the class is "Evensong" by Gail Godwin, it is about a young woman in ministry and already I'm interested in what the book has to say for me.
Old Testament - I've have already told you how much I enjoy this subject and especially the way that I'm learning it. The visual aspects along with the text and my favorite word, CONTEXT! This semester we have made a running start with Job, a fascinating book that captures me when I read it.
Lutheran Confessions - Here is where my copy of The Book of Concord will become completely annotated, already my orange highlighter is everywhere, there are notes in the margins and already I am beginning a color-coded tab system...surprised? I didn't think so. Reading in that book is truly opening my eyes and I am looking forward to the intricacies that come forth in the reading.
Liturgy - Well, the class began with singing a Kyrie in Portuguese and ended with dancing....everything in between was full of excitement and passion. I have always been a little scared of liturgy and I think this class will help me break down those walls. Also the culminating project which I will fill you in on as the semester moves on begins with visiting and talking to a group of people who are marginalized by society. I have already started looking into visiting a woman's shelter in Center City and I'm jazzed for this project.
Hebrew Readings - Here is where my remedial Hebrew skills will be enhanced and I will actually learn how to utilize the language in my ministry. The class will be translating the entire book of Ruth....I'm nervous but excited to dig into the text and create my own translation.
Well here are my classes and I will be updating you more as the semester goes on them, but outside of class I am trying to get more involved with the chapel starting this week with leading Holden Evening Prayer on Tuesday night. I'm nervous, but ready to get into the music. Also I have signed up for an Adult Shakespeare class at a local theatre! I'm ready to speak the speech once again and live in the beautiful poetry and prose that will never be far from my life.
I must go now and get to work, but I look forward to catching up next week.
Talk to you soon,
E.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
I'll Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee
Dearest,
I can hardly believe that it is already January and nearing February. Monday begins the new semester here in Philly. New classes with some new professors and definitely new changes to this year. The biggest shift has been in my personal relationship which has ended. A difficult decision that many friends have helped me through. Beyond my personal relationship I have decided to begin looking into topics for my future studies. A large box of books from the library sits in my room waiting to be read...none of which have even had their binding cracked. Some the titles that I have are
Feminist Intercultural Theology
Sex in History
Mujerista Theology
Battered Love: Marriage, Sex and Violence in the Hebrew Prophets
Listening to God
Of course I still have to actually read these books before they can begin to help me...
Last semester ended with a wonderful performance of Godspell that left the seminary community wanting more! It was truly life-giving to be part of a show especially when I thought that my theatre days were over, but I guess God has other plans in store for me. The audience was filled with professors, friends and members of the community who were floored to see faculty, staff and students in a new light. We were a rag-tag group filled with song and dance in bright colors with beaming faces. Singing "Day by Day" was a challenge at first, but it became one of my favorite songs to sing when there was an audience because they sang along and became part of the performance. When I found out that I would be singing that I called my mother and she wept as she told me how as a little girl she got to sing it and it still remains one of her favorite songs. Yet "Turn Back, O Man" was a different sort of challenge and as I researched other performances and watched videos of the iconic Mae West I found myself embracing a new persona onstage. Boa in hand, I flirted and even sat on the occasional lap (including a couple professors and the Dean!) while singing. This show was more than I could have asked for in my first semester here!
Since I have been back from break I have taken a course on the Psalms which was a wonderful class. Even though it was a very short class, I feel so much more comfortable with the Psalms and look forward to using them in my personal devotion. The Psalms are used so often in worship, but honestly not really studied the way that they deserve. These prayers and petitions are words of the people (as my professor reminded us) and when we do not know what to say it is important to remember that the words are there for us to utilize.
Some pictures from a trip into Center City
The Liberty Bell
Love these!
Independence Hall
"The Signer"
"Barry"
Beautiful Building near Reading Terminal Market
Well I have come to the end of my coffee and so I will be writing soon, trying to keep the updates a little closer together so that the entries won't be as long. :) Know that I miss you terribly and you will hear from me soon, coffee in hand.
Talk to You Soon,
E.
I can hardly believe that it is already January and nearing February. Monday begins the new semester here in Philly. New classes with some new professors and definitely new changes to this year. The biggest shift has been in my personal relationship which has ended. A difficult decision that many friends have helped me through. Beyond my personal relationship I have decided to begin looking into topics for my future studies. A large box of books from the library sits in my room waiting to be read...none of which have even had their binding cracked. Some the titles that I have are
Feminist Intercultural Theology
Sex in History
Mujerista Theology
Battered Love: Marriage, Sex and Violence in the Hebrew Prophets
Listening to God
Of course I still have to actually read these books before they can begin to help me...
Last semester ended with a wonderful performance of Godspell that left the seminary community wanting more! It was truly life-giving to be part of a show especially when I thought that my theatre days were over, but I guess God has other plans in store for me. The audience was filled with professors, friends and members of the community who were floored to see faculty, staff and students in a new light. We were a rag-tag group filled with song and dance in bright colors with beaming faces. Singing "Day by Day" was a challenge at first, but it became one of my favorite songs to sing when there was an audience because they sang along and became part of the performance. When I found out that I would be singing that I called my mother and she wept as she told me how as a little girl she got to sing it and it still remains one of her favorite songs. Yet "Turn Back, O Man" was a different sort of challenge and as I researched other performances and watched videos of the iconic Mae West I found myself embracing a new persona onstage. Boa in hand, I flirted and even sat on the occasional lap (including a couple professors and the Dean!) while singing. This show was more than I could have asked for in my first semester here!
Since I have been back from break I have taken a course on the Psalms which was a wonderful class. Even though it was a very short class, I feel so much more comfortable with the Psalms and look forward to using them in my personal devotion. The Psalms are used so often in worship, but honestly not really studied the way that they deserve. These prayers and petitions are words of the people (as my professor reminded us) and when we do not know what to say it is important to remember that the words are there for us to utilize.
Some pictures from a trip into Center City
The Liberty Bell
Love these!
Independence Hall
"The Signer"
"Barry"
Beautiful Building near Reading Terminal MarketWell I have come to the end of my coffee and so I will be writing soon, trying to keep the updates a little closer together so that the entries won't be as long. :) Know that I miss you terribly and you will hear from me soon, coffee in hand.
Talk to You Soon,
E.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Forgive Me Dearest
Dearest,
I am so very sorry about the delay in my writing to you and I won't be able to catch you up on everything but I wanted to talk anyway. I have recently gotten a job at a wonderful organization that works with homeless families, mostly young mothers with children. The families stay the night at churches and synagogues in the area and the center provides a safe place for the kids to go after school. I am working with the kids and also helping organization, honestly I'm just trying to do whatever they need.
This past week was the start of Godspell rehearsals which are going very quickly because there is a huge time crunch. I am singing two songs and play the "Sonia" character who is the "sexy" one. I have really only been cast as the old lady and motherly figure, so this a huge difference. It will be a challenge along with the two songs which are "Day by Day" and "Turn Back, O Man" which are both VERY low in my range. They are a ton of fun though and I'm excited to be part of this show.
Well that is all I have time for today as I am at the end of my coffee. I hope you enjoy some pictures of the area surrounding me!
Talk to You Soon,
E.
I am so very sorry about the delay in my writing to you and I won't be able to catch you up on everything but I wanted to talk anyway. I have recently gotten a job at a wonderful organization that works with homeless families, mostly young mothers with children. The families stay the night at churches and synagogues in the area and the center provides a safe place for the kids to go after school. I am working with the kids and also helping organization, honestly I'm just trying to do whatever they need.
This past week was the start of Godspell rehearsals which are going very quickly because there is a huge time crunch. I am singing two songs and play the "Sonia" character who is the "sexy" one. I have really only been cast as the old lady and motherly figure, so this a huge difference. It will be a challenge along with the two songs which are "Day by Day" and "Turn Back, O Man" which are both VERY low in my range. They are a ton of fun though and I'm excited to be part of this show.
Talk to You Soon,
E.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Last Days in September
Dearest,
The past two weeks have gone by so quickly that I almost cannot believe that it is already October. I have now had to turn the page on my Big Bang Theory calendar, leaving Leonard and Penny in September and enjoying the four guys in female superhero costumes. Besides my calendar changing, lots of other things have changed as well. Most recently I have changed my hair and cut it short! I am loving it and the ease that it brings with my daily routine.
Going beyond my look, I have also had lots of new experiences, including visiting a Mosque, which is the religious space that Muslims worship in. It was truly enlightening to be part of a service that was so different from my own. It was filled with deep thoughts and prayers that you committed your entire body to. The men and women or as they like to refer to themselves, the brothers and sisters of the Mosque could not have been nicer to us. We were welcomed with open arms and lots of hugs from the women who were thrilled to share their tradition with students who are studying the Word. After the service they fed us the most delicious fried fish, brown rice and some sort of greens...mmmm. While we ate we sat in discussion with the speaker from the service who wanted to assure us that he wanted union and cooperation with other faiths to try and help the city of Philadelphia. By the way, all of the students who visited the Mosque and stayed for this conversation were women and there was no animosity or shift in the topic due to that fact. We were spoken to as students who have a love for ministry and throughout the day I always felt completely respected in that.
In class I have still been finding my passion in biblical studies and the Old Testament. Today I am speaking to my OT professor to discuss my program and how I can tailor it to this passion. I find the OT has so much to offer and it gets looked over so much, but it is rich with stories and deep thoughts about faith. One thing that I have noticed in the OT is that nothing is easy, but that is how life can be and the men and women that we put on a pedestal are still just people who make mistakes and are not perfect. I love this aspect of the OT and I cannot wait to learn more. My class has just gotten out of the Pentateuch (Genesis - Deuteronomy) and this week we begin the former prophets. I am also taking on more work with my Hebrew class so that i can have a solid foundation for later graduate work. I have a study group that I go to and usually pack my lunch in a wonderful Tiffin box:
Water goes well with afternoon studying.
The lunch of Hebrew champions!
Beyond class I have developed some great friendships with women here. I needed a little more female companionship and I definitely found it with some of the women on my floor and even a friend off campus who has a son my age. Seminary definitely crosses boundaries in who your peers become and it truly adds to the experience. I am LOVING it! Getting off campus to study with a friend at her house and eating my first homemade Philly Cheese steak! It was delicious by the way and a soft pretzel that is also a Philly special. Or possibly getting in the car to get Taco Bell and along the way home stopping to buy a dress and cupcakes. The friends that I am making here are very different than I have experienced, but wonderful all the same.
Also in these past two weeks I have celebrated a milestone, FOUR years with my wonderful boyfriend. It was the first anniversary that we have been apart, but it was still wonderful all the same. I had a lovely Skype date with him where I laughed more than I had in a long time. He can always make me laugh. He also sent me a fantastic gift, here are some pictures from opening it:
The past two weeks have gone by so quickly that I almost cannot believe that it is already October. I have now had to turn the page on my Big Bang Theory calendar, leaving Leonard and Penny in September and enjoying the four guys in female superhero costumes. Besides my calendar changing, lots of other things have changed as well. Most recently I have changed my hair and cut it short! I am loving it and the ease that it brings with my daily routine.
Going beyond my look, I have also had lots of new experiences, including visiting a Mosque, which is the religious space that Muslims worship in. It was truly enlightening to be part of a service that was so different from my own. It was filled with deep thoughts and prayers that you committed your entire body to. The men and women or as they like to refer to themselves, the brothers and sisters of the Mosque could not have been nicer to us. We were welcomed with open arms and lots of hugs from the women who were thrilled to share their tradition with students who are studying the Word. After the service they fed us the most delicious fried fish, brown rice and some sort of greens...mmmm. While we ate we sat in discussion with the speaker from the service who wanted to assure us that he wanted union and cooperation with other faiths to try and help the city of Philadelphia. By the way, all of the students who visited the Mosque and stayed for this conversation were women and there was no animosity or shift in the topic due to that fact. We were spoken to as students who have a love for ministry and throughout the day I always felt completely respected in that.
In class I have still been finding my passion in biblical studies and the Old Testament. Today I am speaking to my OT professor to discuss my program and how I can tailor it to this passion. I find the OT has so much to offer and it gets looked over so much, but it is rich with stories and deep thoughts about faith. One thing that I have noticed in the OT is that nothing is easy, but that is how life can be and the men and women that we put on a pedestal are still just people who make mistakes and are not perfect. I love this aspect of the OT and I cannot wait to learn more. My class has just gotten out of the Pentateuch (Genesis - Deuteronomy) and this week we begin the former prophets. I am also taking on more work with my Hebrew class so that i can have a solid foundation for later graduate work. I have a study group that I go to and usually pack my lunch in a wonderful Tiffin box:
Water goes well with afternoon studying.
The lunch of Hebrew champions!Beyond class I have developed some great friendships with women here. I needed a little more female companionship and I definitely found it with some of the women on my floor and even a friend off campus who has a son my age. Seminary definitely crosses boundaries in who your peers become and it truly adds to the experience. I am LOVING it! Getting off campus to study with a friend at her house and eating my first homemade Philly Cheese steak! It was delicious by the way and a soft pretzel that is also a Philly special. Or possibly getting in the car to get Taco Bell and along the way home stopping to buy a dress and cupcakes. The friends that I am making here are very different than I have experienced, but wonderful all the same.
Also in these past two weeks I have celebrated a milestone, FOUR years with my wonderful boyfriend. It was the first anniversary that we have been apart, but it was still wonderful all the same. I had a lovely Skype date with him where I laughed more than I had in a long time. He can always make me laugh. He also sent me a fantastic gift, here are some pictures from opening it:
In this package was a beautiful card, Reese's (my favorite candy), Lindt Dark Chocolate, Synder's of Hanover pretzels, spices that he snagged from me and is returning, a roll of quarters (for laundry) and finally...he burned me all three LOTR movies (extended editions), all of the special features and all three soundtracks! It was a truly wonderful gift!
Well I will conclude here and send you more updates in a couple weeks and who knows what news I will have then!
Talk to you soon,
E.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
New Beginnings
“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.
Dearest Family and Friends,
Well here it is, the blog I promised to keep you all updated with my new beginnings here in Philadelphia. The posting will try to not only keep you updated, but also remind you that I am never far. This is just talking over coffee, only I will be talking more and I cannot share my pot of coffee with you right now. Instead I will share my experiences and I hope to hear yours as well. Well, here goes...
I moved in to my little apartment just over a week ago and I am mostly settled into my space. There have been a lot of changes here, especially the fact that I don't have to wear flip-flops in the shower because I not only have my own bathroom but it comes complete with a bathtub! Pictures will be coming soon when I fill my empty walls, which are currently driving me crazy. I'm enjoying living on my own, but in a wonderful community. My door is always open and my room has already been dubbed the hang out hub of the hall. It helps that my closest neighbors are all guys in their twenties and so there was not much competition. My favorite part of my new digs is the beautiful window with glorious sunshine and great view of the campus. The sun is helping with my fresh cut white daisies that I keep near the window.
Outside of my room lies the campus with incredible classes and absolutely wonderful professors. My classes are as follows:
Intro to Old Testament
Intro to Hebrew
History of Christianity (with a prof that used to work at VALPO!)
Thinking about God
Intro to Public Theology
After my first week I am already finding the coursework more than challenging. There is more reading than is conceivable, but that is not the problem. The problem is...I want to read ALL of it! There are not enough hours in the day or enough sanity in my mind to read all of what is required and recommended. The classes themselves are truly inspiring and the professors feel as though they have an incredible passion for what they teach. I don't have a favorite class yet, but I have a feeling it will be my Old Testament class. Most of the classes have a plenary (which is the main lecture) and then small discussion groups to really dig into the material.
Beyond the classes I have also been exploring the social life here at seminary and it began with a wonderful two for one night at the Monday night haunt called Mcmeniman's. It has progressed to a drive to the Apple store for a friend with two dead computers where I saw some of the most beautiful bridges and wonderful restaurant with delicious flat bread pizza. My entering class is very small, but we are already finding our place on this campus.
Well, I have procrastinated my homework enough so here is my first entry in my weekly posting. I hope you will join me for coffee next week.
Talk to you soon.
― C. JoyBell C.
Dearest Family and Friends,
Well here it is, the blog I promised to keep you all updated with my new beginnings here in Philadelphia. The posting will try to not only keep you updated, but also remind you that I am never far. This is just talking over coffee, only I will be talking more and I cannot share my pot of coffee with you right now. Instead I will share my experiences and I hope to hear yours as well. Well, here goes...
I moved in to my little apartment just over a week ago and I am mostly settled into my space. There have been a lot of changes here, especially the fact that I don't have to wear flip-flops in the shower because I not only have my own bathroom but it comes complete with a bathtub! Pictures will be coming soon when I fill my empty walls, which are currently driving me crazy. I'm enjoying living on my own, but in a wonderful community. My door is always open and my room has already been dubbed the hang out hub of the hall. It helps that my closest neighbors are all guys in their twenties and so there was not much competition. My favorite part of my new digs is the beautiful window with glorious sunshine and great view of the campus. The sun is helping with my fresh cut white daisies that I keep near the window.
Outside of my room lies the campus with incredible classes and absolutely wonderful professors. My classes are as follows:
Intro to Old Testament
Intro to Hebrew
History of Christianity (with a prof that used to work at VALPO!)
Thinking about God
Intro to Public Theology
After my first week I am already finding the coursework more than challenging. There is more reading than is conceivable, but that is not the problem. The problem is...I want to read ALL of it! There are not enough hours in the day or enough sanity in my mind to read all of what is required and recommended. The classes themselves are truly inspiring and the professors feel as though they have an incredible passion for what they teach. I don't have a favorite class yet, but I have a feeling it will be my Old Testament class. Most of the classes have a plenary (which is the main lecture) and then small discussion groups to really dig into the material.
Beyond the classes I have also been exploring the social life here at seminary and it began with a wonderful two for one night at the Monday night haunt called Mcmeniman's. It has progressed to a drive to the Apple store for a friend with two dead computers where I saw some of the most beautiful bridges and wonderful restaurant with delicious flat bread pizza. My entering class is very small, but we are already finding our place on this campus.
Well, I have procrastinated my homework enough so here is my first entry in my weekly posting. I hope you will join me for coffee next week.
Talk to you soon.
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